Peta always swore she would never put her mother or father into a home when they became incapable of looking after themselves, or if one of her parents died and loneliness forced a change of lifestyle.

“My own grandmother was forced into a residential care situation and she went downhill very quickly after that,” remembers 48-year-old Peta. “I hated visiting her and I hated leaving her there, even though I was only 13 at the time. I kept saying to my parents, ‘There has to be a better way' but Gran was senile and there was no better way.

“One year she completely forgot it was Christmas. Then she left her cooker on. I just happened to be visiting at the time, otherwise it could have be a disaster. She clearly needed 24-hour care and my parents weren't prepared to have her come live in the family home.”

Peta is now in a situation where she must help determine her own parent's fate. The director of a large nursing hospital, both her parents have had serious health problems of late with her mother's ability to care for herself severely restricted following a stroke.

“We want to keep them together as long as possible,” says Peta. “But mum is now blind in one eye and it's getting harder and harder.”

Peta is unmarried and likely to remain so given her current caring responsibilities. As her parents live two hours out of Melbourne's CBD, she travels to the family home each weekend, cleans the house, shops for the week and prepares a few meals for her parents.

Her sister, who lives closer by, then backs up during the week with preparation of meals and daily maintenance support, such as driving her parents to medical appointments.

So far, so good, but not everyone has such a cooperative sibling to share the duty of care. And not everyone wants to spend each weekend playing nurse to an increasingly frail parent.

Sandwich Generation

Many baby boomers find that, just as their children need more attention to negotiate the stormy seas of teenagehood, they are beset with a myriad of dilemmas connected with the dependency of parents. All this may be happening as their career hits new heights and more is expected of them in the workplace. This ‘sandwich' generation is well and truly boxed in around other people's needs: (1) what their children want and need; (2) what they want and need; and (3) what their parents want and need.

“Women are also having babies later,” points out Relationships Australia senior counsellor, Rosalie Pattenden. “They are working longer, their children are staying at home longer and their parents are living longer, with an increase in dementia.

The key to managing these issues lies in planning . While it is human nature to postpone hard decisions on what to do if a parent becomes critically ill, suddenly widowed or incapacitated in some way, it will give everyone peace of mind to have some strategies in order.

“Talk to your parent about lifestyle changes and their thoughts for the future,” advises Carers Australia.

“Find out their preferences and be prepared for some parents to resist this discussion, even when emotional or physical decline is obvious.”

For example Edward, 84, went out shopping with his wife last November and was knocked down by a car in the parking lot. He has not returned home since and is unlikely to as his wife says she could not look after him. As they have no children, the only option for Edward is to be moved into an aged care home.

In general, most people want to stay in their homes for as long as possible. Of all people aged 65 and over, 91 percent live in private dwellings in the community according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics. The proportion of people living in non-private dwellings (hostels, supported residential services and nursing homes) rises to 26 percent at age 80 and over.

Strategy Think Tank

In response to our ageing Australian population, governments at a national and local level have developed a wide range of community support services to help parents live independently. Some of these key programs are listed below.

The first step is to determine the needs of the parent, bearing in mind that their health condition may deteriorate rapidly. What is the nature of the problem? Does your parent need help with cleaning, cooking, companionship? Can your family network help in any way to share the care around, especially with companionship?

Organise a meeting with immediate family to discuss strategy.

Self-Care

“If you decide to take on a caring role, it is important to look after yourself as it is likely to affect your home and family life,” warns Carers Australia.

“You will need to take time for yourself so that you do not become physically or emotionally run down.”

Don't let resentments build. Take time out for yourself.

Moving In

If you decide to have a parent move in, discuss this thoroughly with younger children. Ideally, this arrangement is better if the older parent has their own space and phone connection. Give them a role in the family, even if it is something minor like watering the pot plants. Naturally, this will depend on how active the elderly parent is. Make sure you still do activities with kids, or as a family, on a regular basis. Constantly monitor family members' feelings and behaviours, such as a grandparent being overly critical of a younger person's dress code. Issues and conflicts need to be ‘flushed' out. Make everyone aware of a condition like Alzheimer's, which can be very frightening and challenging.

Give elderly parents a role/function if they come to live in your house.

Flexible work plan

If a parent has serious health issues, discuss a more flexible work arrangement – even if this is a temporary measure. Compassionate leave will vary from workplace to workplace, but it will help to let human resources know that you are under considerable stress and would appreciate more leave, even if unpaid.

Reveal your situation to key people at work and negotiate a more flexible workplan.

Carer's Survival Guide

• Take time out to care for yourself during the day. 
• If family and friends offer to help, take them up on it. Share the tasks.
• Delegate appropriate tasks to each member of the family, such as paying the bills, maintaining the garden.
• Contact a Commonwealth Carer Respite Centre (1800 059 059) to help arrange breaks or consult an aged care professional for help if it is getting you down.

Help to stay at home

Commonwealth Carelink Services provide free and confidential information on community aged care, disability and other support services available locally, interstate or anywhere within Australia. For more information, telephone 1800 052 222.

The centres are also able to put people in touch with Aged Care Assessment Teams who can help with a range of services so that they can continue living in their own home, or enter an aged care home such as a nursing home or hostel.

http://www.commcarelink.health.gov.au

Community Aged Care Packages (CACP)
Community Aged Care Packages offer an integrated package of services for frail aged people. If your care needs are more complex, or you need a range of services like help with bathing, meals, shopping and getting around, there's a CACP which can help you.

The Extended Aged Care at Home program assists frail aged people to remain in their homes, supported by high level of care through an approved service provider. There are 924 packages available for people to receive this type of care in their homes through 56 service providers nationally.

The Home and Community Care (HACC) Program is a central element of the Australian Government's aged care policy, providing community care services to frail aged and younger people with disabilities, and their carers. Services include nursing care, meals, domestic assistance, transport, home modification and maintenance, counselling and personal care.

National Respite for Carers Program

The National Respite for Carers Program (NRCP) is designed to support and assist relatives and friends caring at home for people who are unable to care for themselves because of chronic illness, disability or frailty.

If you are caring for an older person or a person with a disability, you may be eligible for financial assistance such as the Carer Allowance and Carer Payment that are available through Centrelink.

http://www.centrelink.gov.au

Carers Australia Commonwealth Carer Resource Centre : 1800 242 636

http://www.carersaustralia.com.au

Aged and Community Care Information Line: 1800 500 853

Final Note

It's easy to fall into a doom and gloom mentality when contemplating the physical and emotional requirements of and ageing parent. The most important service you can give an older person is your enduring optimism.

Most older people do not need help with their daily living. Elderly parents who are encouraged to keep up all the daily tasks, such as cooking, cleaning and shopping, will not only remain physically fit, but will be cheerful and mentally active.

Encourage your parent to get involved in a senior centre, or pursue an existing or new interest, as one of the most important measures of health in an elderly person is the number of social contacts they have and the degree to which they keep intellectually stimulated.
Make sure that whatever action you take, you do so out of choice and not guilt. If you find yourself feeling resentful, look for another way. You will be no good to anyone if you are overburdened with guilt or are highly stressed. You cannot put your life on hold, you can only do your best.