Mandy, 32, a vibrant personal assistant to the CEO of an expanding retail chain, has everything going for her. She's fit, enthusiastic, popular and lives in a swank, inner city townhouse. Problem is, the only one she can share the good life with is her cheerful Jack Russell, Trev.

Having been in a 10-year relationship that ended 18 months earlier, she's ready to start again but worries time is running out.

“I definitely want to meet someone and have children within the next five years,” she says “If it doesn't happen, I'll have children anyway and be a single mum.”
Mandy likes co-worker, Barry, but the only thing he's committed to is staying clear of fellow employees. In his early 30s, Barry wants to find that special person and settle down but is leaving it up to fate. “I think the right person will come along,” he says. “You shouldn't have to try too hard.”

Linda, 24, is also looking, but having just started with the company in its communications department, she wants to make a good impression and works late hours. “I'm too tired to go out after that,” she says. “The closest I've come to meeting someone lately was in aisle 8 of the supermarket one night. I reached down to get some tinned pineapples and this creep whispered, ‘They're delicious. Very juicy. Wanna go out with me?'”

The Stats

Why do these and so many other singles find it hard to meet, match and possibly marry their ideal partner? Is there a short supply of prospects out there from which to choose or are they just being picky? According to the latest (2001) Australian Bureau of Statistic study, 3.4 percent of the population are separated, 7.4 percent divorced, 6.2 percent widowed and 31.6 percent have never been married.
In this technological age, there is (technically) no reason why people should remain single unless they like it that way. Chat rooms, internet dating, speed dating, dinner for sixes, email flirtations, text talk, introduction agencies – there's an abundance of options if you are willing to try something new, get out and stray a little bit from your comfort zone. But first, you'll have to prepare the way…

Step One

Know what you are looking for: really get specific about what you want in a partner, including values, physical traits (if they are important) and qualities such as having a good sense of humour, being a great listener, talking in a positive way. Write down your description in detail and read it every day says Michael Rowland,, author of the bestseller Absolute Happiness. Rowland refers to these statements as Declarations. “ The function of Declarations is to bring to yourself an event or circumstance, or to attract to yourself information that will assist you in making the necessary changes to allow you to live out the experience,” says Rowland. “A Declaration gives your mind clear and precise instructions about the desire you want fulfilled.”

Step Two

Become the person you are looking for: If you want to attract a dynamic mate, become one first. Psychologist Toby Green says a common mistake people make is carrying around excess baggage, acquired from a previous relationship that went wrong.

“Most people have been burned at least once and don't bounce back as well as they once did,” Green says. “They go about relationships in a state of mistrust. The recipient of the mistrust gets resentful because they weren't the one who ‘did it'. So often without realising it, people put themselves in the ‘too hard' basket. This is especially a male complaint. Women's greatest complaint is the male inability to commit, (often for the same reason of having been burned once). If you don't think you can survive rejection, don't get into the game. If you know you can, it gives you enormous freedom.”

Step Three

Get social: Put it out. This doesn't mean get sleazy, wear tight fitting clothes, chat up everyone in the office. Rather, learn how to socialise and broaden your network without putting any pressure on yourself (or others) to couple up. “Get out and try new things,” advises Rosalie Pattenden, a counsellor with Relationships Australia. “Get used to relating to people at a social, chit chat level. Practise being around people. Do something you have always wanted to try like a golf clinic, social tennis, a course on painting. Make it a goal to make a friend, someone you could go to the movies with. This will also build your confidence. If there is something more in the chemistry, there is more chance for it to build over time around common goals.”

Organic V Quick Fix

Pattenden believes the more successful relationships have a slow build, but there are many strategies for fast-tracking your partnership goals. They all work, but keep your eyes open to the pros and pitfalls.

Internet Dating

This option has lost its stigma as many professionals turn to cyberspace to find a soul mate. Usually, you upload a profile, check out other profiles, contact those you like the sound of or wait to be contacted. Emails and phone calls may follow, after which you take it further and meet in person. There are usually lots to choose from and they all share a common goal: meeting someone compatible. “You can start honing in on someone with the same values,” says Pattenden. “You can shortlist the number of people you are going to bother with.” The downside is, people try to sell themselves and may falsify their profile. It's a bit of a lottery, although practise makes for better judgement. “The internet does not account for chemistry and how people relate. But it can help overcome somebody's shortcomings, particularly if they are shy.”

Chat rooms

Another safe way to strike up a distant relationship before committing yourself to a one-on-one presentation. As with the internet, the danger is in building the co-respondent into something they are not. “People take risks and fall in love with the image they have of someone. They live the illusion and two years down the track, the illusion may be shattered,” says Pattenden.

Workplace

A safe place to get to know another person, but can be frought with difficulties. Go in with your eyes open. “If it ends badly, you are going to have your face rubbed in the misery on a daily basis,” says Green. “Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. If you do get involved, talk about breaking up contingencies: who stays, who goes, what are the codes of conduct. Every good partnership should have an exit strategy.” Consider what impact it will have on your reputation if you embark on multiple office affairs.

Singles Bars

There is an abundance of singles bars in major cities, so choose wisely. Some are meat markets. Best to go with a friend and, again, have an exit plan.

Blind Dates

Poor strike rate. You are reducing your odds to one person who a friend thinks might suit you. If you are appalled by the date, you may be appalled that your friend could have set it up. Better if your friend has a party and invites all the single people he or she knows without ‘setting' anything up.

Waiting

Okay for romantics who believe Heathcliff is just over the moor. If you wait for someone to knock on your door, you may be waiting a long time.

The bottom line

• Take action.
• Get social.
• Develop a positive attitude, there is nothing more sexy than a happy person whatever their age.
• Clear yourself of any emotional issues or baggage. You may need to see a counsellor, or undergo some personal development.
• If you fancy someone, flirt. Flirting is ageless, says Toby Green. “Just acknowledge something positive about the person that's the truth and tell them out loud. Make it a give-away with no expectation of anything in return.”
• Be driven by ‘what can I contribute' instead of ‘what can I get'. “You have no control over how people feel about you but total control over how you feel about others,” says Green. “Start thinking of loving others in the way you'd like them to love you. It's magnetic.”

Useful Resources

Counselling

Toby Green and Associates:
1300 888 510 for people wanting more advice on relationships, or go to: www.tobygreen.com

Relationships Australia:
http://www.relationships.com.au or phone 1300 364 277

Books

The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner (Harper & Row)

Online and Personal: The Reality of Internet Relatiohips , by Jo Lamble and Sue Morris (Finch)

Finding Lurve In The Modern World: by Helen Harman (Lothian Books)

Absolute Happiness by Michael Domeyko Rowlands (Self Communications)

Internet

www.speeddating.com.au

www.udate.com

www.rsvp.com

www.match.com.au