Melanie's mother couldn't work out what the matter was. Melanie seemed moody and miserable, but she wasn't ill. Melanie kept saying there was nothing wrong at school, so maybe it was hormonal, after all her moods could change in the space of a minute.

However, Melanie's real problem was with friends, and trying to fit in. Like almost everyone at school, Melanie went online at home each night after school. Sometimes, Melanie was doing a school project at the same time, other times she was just chatting over the internet with anyone who was online when she was. Melanie's friends preferred the internet to the telephone, as they could be chatting to lots of people simultaneously, depending on who was online at the same time.

In the last week, Melanie had had a falling out with her friends, and each night she was desperately trying to find out what she had done and why they weren't talking to her at school. Then it got worse: three of her friends had “blocked” her, and another one wrote some really nasty things to her, saying no-one liked her, she should **** -off and leave them alone.

Melanie didn't tell her mum, because she thought her mother would ring the other parents or the teachers and just make it worse. Melanie felt so stressed and worried, she pretended to be sick so that she could stay home from school to avoid seeing the others each day. Finally, Melanie told her older sister what had happened, and then her mum did get involved.

A new world of communication

“Instant Messaging” (IM) is the name for real time, text-based communication across the internet. It is incredibly popular among teenagers, with US data estimating 78% of 12-17 year olds go online, and of these, nearly three-quarters use instant messaging. In Australia, MSN Messenger is one of the most common programs kids use to chat to each other. While actually communicating with one person at a time, many kids are involved in lots of one-to-one conversations at the same time. Very often, it is general relationship issues with friends they are in regular contact with during the week.

Melanie's problem highlights one of the risks associated with online chatting: because it is mediated by a screen, people feel they can say things they normally wouldn't say face-to-face. Sometimes, this is an advantage, for example with shy or reserved kids, who can get more involved through computer connections. Asking others out, or even breaking off a relationship can happen online, or just getting to know others better and therefore develop new friendships.

Melanie's mum did need to get involved, and help her sort out what was going on. In fact, she decided to enlist the help of the year 7 coordinator at Melanie's school. The behaviour of Melanie's friends was a type of bullying – they were deliberately excluding her – and fortunately, the print-out of the chat conversation proved exactly what had been said. As the girls' behaviour affected what happened at school, the coordinator had no hesitation taking action. The girls apologised, their parents were informed and things went back to normal.

The parent's role

Melanie's mother decided she needed to make some changes about the computer at home. She tackled a number of key issues:

Where the computer is kept: Melanie had moved the computer to her bedroom, because of how much she used it for school work, but now it was moved back to the study, where it was easier for her mum to keep an eye on what she was doing.

Limits: Melanie and her mother had to agree on how much time she would spend on MSN. It wasn't always possible to monitor how exactly Melanie stuck to their agreement, there had to be some trust involved, but it was a good start.

Getting informed: Like a good number of parents, Melanie's mother didn't know very much about how the internet worked: she used it occasionally for email and researching travel deals, but not much else. Now it was important to find out more.

Safety and privacy

Privacy and the possibility of meeting up with strangers through the internet is a real worry for many parents, although teenagers are less concerned about it. Many people who go online have multiple addresses and different identities which can be explored or expressed online. It is important that parents educate their children about the need to protect their privacy and that the web and internet are in fact, public spaces, like a huge public park, but in cyber form. Children and adolescents should never give out their contact details and never meet alone with anyone they have made contact with through the internet. This may seem simple common sense, but it needs to be made clear that there are real dangers involved for young people.

Part of teenage life

Chatting online is not going to go away. Kids are comfortable with computers and the internet, and use it at school and at home for schoolwork. They find it a fun way to communicate with others and like to stay in touch. It's quick and immediate, and has its own language. Some find it easier than face-to-face communication, but parents need to watch out for excessive chat time and feel confident that it is not a substitute for developing other social skills. It can help kids break into new groups, but it can also be the source of cruel comments or pranks, because of the lack of personal contact.

There is also no doubt that while many teenagers are good at multi-tasking, and enjoy being in contact with their friends while completing an assignment. However, parents should try to ensure that the internet is not being used to avoid doing homework, and their sons and daughters have a good balance of inside and outside activities in their life.

Internet use of their children and adolescents can be more difficult for parents to regulate, but with an attitude of openness and awareness, it can be managed in a way to maximise the benefits and minimise the risks. Useful websites to help parents be informed are:

www.cybersmartkids.com.au for kids and parents to use the internet safely

www.chatdanger.com for some advice on managing the risky side of chatting online

www.pewinternet.org for reports on how American youth engage with the internet