Sophie and her dad, Greg, were great mates. An only child, Sophie spent a lot of time with her parents, but particularly with Greg, as he worked from home. Greg picked up Sophie from school each day, helped coach her softball team, took her to piano and tennis lessons and looked after her when she was sick. Greg's wife Belinda was a lawyer for a large law firm, and had to work much longer hours, so she was pleased that Greg was so willing and able to be involved with Sophie.

Throughout primary school, things went along pretty smoothly. There were the usual issues about teachers, homework and friends, but nothing drastic. Sophie was a bright student and seemed to fit in well with other kids.

Part way through year 7, however, things began to change. Sophie stopped telling Greg about what happened each day at school. She didn't want him to pick her up any more, preferring to catch the bus. Nor did she want Greg's help with school projects – she didn't even want to show him her assignments when they were finished. “I left it at school” or “I've already packed my bag” was all Sophie offered when he asked about her work. Worst of all, Sophie suggested Greg coach one of the other softball teams, not hers.

Greg felt hurt and left out of Sophie's life – he couldn't understand where he had gone wrong. Now Sophie no longer seemed interested in Greg's opinion, where once she had thought he had the answer to everything!

Adolescent changes

Most parents are well aware of the changes which accompany adolescence. They affect physical, emotional, social and cognitive aspects of young people's development. However, that doesn't mean that understanding these changes is easy, nor that adjusting to them happens automatically. Let's consider them further.

Physical changes

The growth spurt associated with the onset of puberty can begin as early as eight or as late as fifteen or sixteen. There is an increase in types of hormonal levels, triggering the maturing of sexual organs and bringing other body changes, such as hair growth, skin problems and changes in shape.

Emotional changes

Adolescents can be very unpredictable and moody. Sometimes they can appear to be growing up responsibly, making good decisions and able to explain their actions. At other times, they seem to be acting like toddlers: tearful, easily upset and unreasonable. Perhaps this is not too surprising, given all the physical and hormonal changes occurring.

Social changes

Adolescents want to belong and fit in, and now it is more important that they fit in with their peer group than with their families. Having friends and feeling accepted reassures teenagers that they are “OK”, they are normal. Social issues take on enormous importance for young adolescents, and their connection to others is an important element of developing their own identity and becoming independent, a vital task of adolescence.

Cognitive changes

Brain research is discovering more and more about the fascinating development of the brain throughout adolescence and even beyond. We now know that the brain continues to mature into the early twenties, and are beginning to understand some of the changes for young adolescents too. Of particular interest for parents is that adolescents process information differently from adults and that their centre for managing emotions is still developing throughout the teenage years.

What can Greg do?

Sophie was certainly giving her dad a message that she wanted more “space”, and this is not uncommon in young adolescents, as they are trying to look like they are no longer children and want to focus more on their friends. The drive for independence and a certain amount of adolescent “self-centredness” resulted in Sophie not thinking about her dad's feelings, but behaving in a way which was hurtful.

Don't take it personally

Greg needs to remember that much of Sophie's behaviour is perfectly normal, and understandable in the context of all the changes of adolescence. Greg thought back to his own years as a teenager, and remembered how he didn't relate to his dad for a while. “Maybe that was because of me, not dad, after all!” Greg also wondered whether he had too many expectations of Sophie to be his mate, when she needed to have her own mates.

Different stages call for different approaches

Parents have to keep adapting, and by the time they have learnt about all stages, parenting skills are no longer necessary! Giving responsibility is important, letting go of small issues, but keeping a handle on the major ones, is a very helpful strategy throughout adolescence. Being firm, being patient, good listening skills and keeping a sense of humour, will all help parents negotiate the teenage years. In particular, be prepared for moodiness, focus on the positives and don't be surprised if your teenager wants some distance from you.

Keep the “big picture” in mind

Sophie still did well at school, had some nice friends and seemed happy. She just didn't want Greg so involved and was pretty moody around the house sometimes. She tried out for sport teams and took part in school plays and her teachers were very positive. So something had to be going right.

Don't be afraid to set limits

Greg and Belinda had never had to be very strict, but now Sophie wanted to go shopping on the weekends, go to movies with kids they hadn't met and was even talking about under-age discos. Greg and Belinda really needed to think about what Sophie could and couldn't do – every week, it seemed there was a new request. They had to set limits on how often Sophie went out, how late, on transport arrangements and on supervision. Despite happening so quickly, they had to work out together what were fair limits for their girl who was trying to grow up so fast!

Keep the communication channels open

This can be easier said than done, not all teenagers want to share everything with their parents. Greg and Belinda said no to a phone, TV or computer in Sophie's bedroom, believing this could add to their communication concerns. But they also made an effort to listen to Sophie, to find out what she thought about issues and involved her in as many family decisions and discussions as possible. Sophie didn't always have an opinion, but at least if she did, it was encouraged to share it.

When is it a problem bigger than normal teenage stuff?

If there is a significant change in behaviour involving a drop in school performance, extreme weight loss, on-going depressive mood, severe change in eating or sleeping habits, or your son or daughter seems to have lost interest in their usual activities, it is wise to seek some assistance from a counsellor or local doctor.

Reading for parents

There are many books available to offer guidance to parents. Browsing in a good book shop will usually turn up something which addresses particular concerns. Some recently published suggestions include:

Adolescence: a guide for parents by Michael Carr-Gregg & Erin Shale, Finch Publishing, Sydney 2002

From surviving to thriving: Promoting mental health in young people by Andrew Fuller, ACER, Melbourne, 1998

Loving your teenage daughter (whether she likes it or not) by Debra Whiting Alexander, New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, 2001